5 ways to convince your senior loved one to wear an adult diaper

What are adult diapers?

'Adult diapers', sometimes 'adult nappies', is an unofficial term for incontinence products that help senior citizens manage issues with incontinence or other bladder or bowel issues. 

They are sometimes alternatively referred to as 'incontinence underwear', though the name is not as common.

Their main purpose is to provide someone with relief and dignity. When leaking happens, it can take a toll on a person's self-esteem, especially when it happens in public places. Using incontinence products gives a person, not just long-term comfort, thanks to the high absorbency of adult diapers, but you also don't have to be stressed about cleaning after an occurrence of incontinence.

Adult diapers also give your loved one the discretion they need, since they are discreet enough to fit under their clothes.

The most commonly used form of incontinence product is the actual adult diaper, or adult briefs, which is very much similar to baby diapers with refastenable tabs to make it easy to adjust. The backing may either be made of waterproof, fibrous material or plastic-like material.

Meanwhile, the padding consists of absorbent polymer material that is very absorbent. These are the most convenient type of incontinence products since they are easy to handle.

There are also adult pull-ups, which mostly resemble conventional underwear. Adult pull-ups are disposable with elastic around the waist and hips to prevent leaks. They are usually made from a waterproof cloth backing with an absorbent polymer pad. It is recommended for able-bodied persons with incontinence who do not need to worry so much about their independence.

You may also find incontinence pads for women. They are similar to panty liners that are placed inside one's underwear, absorbing liquid and keeping skin dry. These pads are only recommended for those with mild cases of incontinence.

When to consider using adult diapers?

Incontinence happens when a person loses control over their bladder or bowel functions, which is what causes accidental leakages. It can affect any person at any age, regardless of gender, but can be quite pronounced among senior citizens due to the ageing process.

It can happen for a variety of reasons, such as:

• Urinary tract infections (UTIs)
• Weakening pelvic floor muscles
• Injury to the muscles or nerves
• Conditions such as multiple sclerosis
• Side effects due to certain medications
• Inflammation of the urinary tract

Do note that this is not an exhaustive list.

Isn't it demeaning?

This is one of the main reasons why people who need incontinence products do not want to use them - because, in their mind's eye, it is an invitation to ridicule.

The worries of incontinence already limit their daily activities, especially going out even for a short walk, because they do not want to embarrass themselves in public. The thought of having to wear incontinence products - and if others were to find out about it - would be too much for them to bear.

The truth is that at some point in our lives, we are bound to run into incontinence issues. The stigma towards incontinence (and views towards incontinence care) is still uncommon in Asian society, and that contributes not only to a refusal to use incontinence products but also to underreporting of incontinence issues - issues that can be prevented or even treated, where needed. Ultimately, it can turn out to be a losing battle.

And this brings us to the topic of our article, and the main question on your mind, especially if you know someone in the family who needs to start using incontinence products: how do I get them to start wearing them?

1. Be empathetic

You know very well that it is in their best interests to start using incontinence products, but you should still hear out their concerns when you plan to discuss it.

Being empathetic can help you understand how they feel and get a better understanding of how you can raise the subject matter with them without putting their feelings aside. It is an easy way for both of you to see eye to eye on what can be a touchy subject. 

In fact, one's choice of words can also influence how the conversation can be steered towards either a positive or negative reaction and outcome. The most important one revolves around the term itself: 'adult diapers'. 

A diaper is something normally associated with babies, who are not at an age where they are toilet trained. That inherent association is not something that is viewed very pleasantly by many adults.

How would you feel if you had to use incontinence products yourself, but someone was referring it as 'diapers'? Wouldn't you feel both insulted and ashamed? Now try to imagine how your loved one would feel about that scenario.

It might not be clear to you at first, but delicately communicating with your loved one in a way that respects them and their dignity can go a long way in the right direction. Knowing how your loved one feels about it, and then being able to work on it together with them, may be able to help you convince them to use incontinence products.

Using respectful terminology is a good first step, as it is being aware of how they feel and reassuring them that you are there to help them along the way.

2. Dealing with denial

Denial is an often-used method of steering the conversation away from such a delicate topic, and more persistent loved ones might make the communication process much more difficult.

It can be very frustrating when you are unable to work with them to address the problem, but losing your cool can end up doing more damage. The harder you push, the more resistant they become until it reaches the point where the conversation is permanently locked out to you.

The least you can do in such times is to continue to empathise, but also to remind them that you are there to support them as best as you can. If you really have to, try to (politely) appeal to their pride.

With all the stigmas society has towards caregiving for senior citizens, one's pride can end up becoming their shield from ridicule - even if they're waging a losing battle. The goal here is to tell them that, despite their best efforts at avoiding the truth, mistakes will still happen.

The fear of potential embarrassment can be a strong motivator that can turn their denial into a willingness to address the issue. Make it a point to reassure them that it is in no way their fault that it happens, accidents do occur, after all, and sometimes it is beyond anyone's control.

Using incontinence products is a way to help give them (and you as a caregiver) the peace of mind they deserve, so don't hesitate to tell them that (but again, be mindful of your choice of words).

3. Have some samples

Empathetic communication does help, but sometimes a stubborn loved one can make it difficult to keep the conversation going in the intended direction. Even if you manage to convince them that you will be there to help them see it through, it might still take some time to get them to agree to use incontinence products.

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A simple way to overcome their doubts would be to have some samples you can show them. Adult briefs or pull-ups have come a long way since their inception, and they don't all resemble baby diapers, even if they share some characteristics (such as the pull tabs). Being thin enough that they do not stand out when worn is an added advantage, no one will know unless you tell them.

Be sure to have some facts on adult briefs or other incontinence products you are considering for them. With how easy it is for fake news to spread through social media, you are bound to deal with questions about the use of these products. Have verified facts on hand to disprove the false information your loved one may have picked up on.

4. Identifying changes

Sometimes, the unwillingness of a loved one to use incontinence products might not stem from denial or stubbornness. For all you know, they might be afflicted with something that keeps them from realising what is going on.

As we age, many of our abilities begin to weaken over time: our eyesight, our sense of smell, our muscles, and the list goes on.

Without knowing that this is happening, or has happened, it can be easy for your loved one to downplay what has happened - further reinforcing the belief that they don't actually need to use incontinence products at all. In other cases, it could be a denial that it is happening due to causes unknown to them (or beyond their control).

The importance of a person's mental well-being also cannot be understated. Because how incontinence can affect how a person perceives themselves, it can slowly erode their mental health and possibly lead to depressive episodes.

A loss of interest in personal hygiene, appearance and even activities your loved one previously enjoys - these are just a few signs to look out for.

Beyond addressing this issue with your loved one, and helping them through the ensuing embarrassment, is just one step toward helping them. It becomes equally important to determine the root cause of their incontinence.

Perhaps it could be due to weakening or overactive bladder or pelvic floor muscles; treating that may only require pelvic floor exercises or time voiding where you schedule time intervals for using the washroom. Sometimes, lifestyle changes may also be recommended that may help in the long run.

The sooner you can identify the cause of incontinence, the better - especially if it may be something that simple treatment methods cannot prevent.

5. Seeking medical help

In more serious cases, your loved one will need medical treatment as soon as possible. Cognitive impairment or decline, a disease-causing condition, or inflammation - these are just a few that you need to keep an eye out for. If something seems amiss, it is always good to seek medical attention quickly.

It can be quite easy to dismiss a symptom for something benign, but it is best not to take any chances for the sake of your loved one.

Cognitive decline, for example, can sometimes be blamed as part of the ageing process when in reality, it may be a potential warning sign of dementia. If, for example, your loved one seems to forget to go to the bathroom when they need to, or do not even realise that they need to go, that should be considered a red flag.

Depending on the nature of the condition your loved one has, treatment may either involve prescription medications, the use of specific medical devices, or even surgery in more severe cases.

If it might be mental health issues, get the help of a professional counsellor or psychiatrist to help restore their self-esteem. Medical intervention might be what your loved one needs to help treat a condition that is giving them grief.

Get an 'advisor'

By 'advisor', we mean someone who knows your loved one that they really trust and it could be another family member, a close friend, or even the family physician.

Sometimes, someone else might be able to talk things through to your loved one, even despite your best efforts. Whatever the reasons may be, it is important to set your personal feelings aside and seek out someone else to help you speak reason to your loved one - it might just be for the best.

Sometimes, your loved one might not take your advice seriously, even if you are looking out for them. It may thus be helpful if someone your loved one knows, who is going through something similar, can offer them the advice they need to hear.

If not a friend, the family doctor could provide an objective assessment that your loved one will take seriously; a lot of people will take their doctor's advice seriously.

Patience is always key

Ultimately, your approach should always be marked with patience and kindness. If your loved one adamantly refuses, do not force the matter any further.

Do what you can to support them while respecting their decision. Over time, they may come to realise that you are trying your very best to help them with their situation, and they may choose to welcome it.

ALSO READ: Caring for an elderly person? Here’s your guide to Activities of Daily Living

This article was first published in Homage.